I was reading someone’s blog last evening and this person spoke of loss. Through their courage and openness it brought back a flood of emotions that I’ve been holding off sharing for a hundred different reasons.
One thing you can say about writing down words and thoughts for the world to see is it affects or helps others or yourself. When I write…I write to express my thoughts and emotions without the goal of knowing if others read or understand what I present. It is as much for me as it is for those who choose to see into a little of my mind and spirit.
So with that said…if this post feels like a hodge-podge of words and random thoughts…well so be it…because they are mine, which I’m willing to share. They are not intended to make sense rather they are intended for me to release. So take them or leave them…they simple just are. Are mine to give. So I don’t promise any of this will make sense. It just is.
If you must know I’ve held many of these thoughts and hesitated putting them public for years. Timing is a choice for each of us.
I rarely get personal on this blog. I mean really…really personal when it comes to certain subjects such as relationships, family, death or even religion. I feel that is for each of us to share as we deem it or need it. And of course we have employers who may or may not understand the words we write. So we must consider the boundaries and responsibilities that influence more then ourselves.
As a creative, I’ve always been overwhelmed and impressed with the courage and freedom others can openly share with the world — envious of many — applauding many.
Men don’t keep diaries…at least this man does not. And if we do we call it a journal. Or we wrap our thoughts and dreams in art, photography, design or maybe hidden between the lines of a blog post. Often I’d love to be able to truly openly express my world to others in these forms…and maybe I’m the only one holding myself back from those expressions…once again my choice.
Now don’t get me wrong…sometimes I do share these feelings but usually within the family of those in a tight circle of trust that I feel I can confide and will never do harm to others or myself.
Which brings me to today, to opening a small window into my thoughts on true loss.
Loss. It is exactly that…something we cannot replace. But oddly we never really lose all of Loss. In some way it still remains within each of us but hides its identity in love, pain, void, memory or tears. Whether it is loss within our own spirit or the loss of someone we love. Loss is in my opinion the single most devastating event or moment in each of our lives.
I believe that each life is a part of another capable of instilling love, pain, dreams, horror, harmony and torture. Such is peace. Such is war. Such is strength. Such is strife. Such is our universe. Our energy. Our being.
Most of the words I share with you today were written when I carried a heavy spirit. I wrote these thoughts the day and weeks that followed the lost of my father. They just spewed out of me with no rhyme or intent other then to perhaps greave or simply state. I haven’t had the where with all to share them.
Hundreds upon hundreds of moons have passed since that Loss and I’m still numb from it. Not so much in pain…but simply numb from void that it created in my world. I dare not try to be poetic or trifle with these emotions that exists inside of me. It simply is as it is.
I’ve seen courageous, passionate, loving people in this world…and have gathered strength from many of you. I’ve also see the worst of humanity. Within these defined moments five in particular take me to the point in which I have experience true Loss. Five moments that have stopped my universe to a grinding halt. They are so personal that I still find it difficult to truly express…especially publicly.
All of these times involved those I loved. They sucked dry my very spirit and soul with little to no ability to retain that Loss other than fading memories and dried up tears.
The death of my father is one of these moments.
Since that day I’ve had many a thought and dream about my father…some good…some not so good…but they have allowed me to regain some parts of my Loss.
Death for me is as confusing as life. I argue that none of us really understand much of either. Although many of us would like to think we do. Our at least love to preach it to others.
When my father was in the hospital…here are some of the waterfall of emotions and feelings I stumbled through.
We all gather standing around him
Some were drowning him with tears and some with prayers
Some tears in which some of us had never shed before
Brothers and sisters…and mother expressing words and memories to comfort the moment
I wanted to cry I wanted to pray. I did neither well.
Which in its own right is odd to some as it was for me at the time. A non-sequential numbness or experience of loss as it was happening. A room full of family holding each other yet the feeling at times felt so lonely.
Yet I cannot cry. Truly cry. Why is that?
I feel the need to but can’t create the tears. As he lies there all I can think is that he is angered with all of us that we all see him this way. I look around and see everyone’s heads down clinching in the moment.
I look at my father in a sobering glance. Is this it? Life? You work your arse off for 79 years and one day you wake up only to die? I guess.
Ridiculous…is that it?
Perhaps my idea of God has changed so much that I equate God or the energy of a supreme being to the universe vs. a being that man has created. So prayer also was void for me. I tried but it just fell short for me that moment. Does that make me an agnostic? Who knows…who really gives a #$%&.
I cried in my own way. I cried with silent tears.
I looked around the room…everyone holding each other…all with swollen eyes and pain…heads down crying. I was looking at everyone and the shell of my father in front of me. I was just there seeing it…experiencing it as though it was an out of body experience. Little feeling…but numbness. It was what it was.
Since I never feared death maybe that was the reason for my state of mind. Maybe shock. Maybe doubt. Maybe disbelief. I had experienced death many times before and some of those moments I spoke of as Loss fall into my defined moments. I just felt this was a Loss far beyond my understanding. Loss again…rearing it’s ugly head. Whether that returns Loss returns to life or my life…I have no clue. And I doubt any of us do.
One moment…none particular you find some of that Loss and you remember the texture of your father’s hand as he shakes yours or the smell of the oils on his forehead when you kiss him goodbye. Over time you start to question. Time gets in the way and you feel as if it was merely a compilation of memories which get harder and harder to connect…sometimes to a point where you wonder if they are imagination or ever really occurred.
Maybe things are simple. Simpler then we can imagine. So simple we can’t begin to see them for what they really are. Or maybe they are ridiculously complex. So complex we can’t even began to connect the dots of reasoning.
When someone we love dies a part of us goes with him or her. The same applies for a loss love or a loss animal that have become so much of our life.
In our heart, mind and dreams a part of them often returns to us. These parts become one with our recollections and past experiences and we become one again. At least for that moment our loss is again a part of us.
When the world that we knew becomes a memory we struggle with finding the pieces and yearn for fulfilling our Loss. When someone or something we love dies a part of us goes as well — death precludes life and life precludes death. One moment it is with us…one moment it is gone. As the hours, days, weeks and years go by you start to question if it as may have really ever existed.
I don’t have the answers. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps none of us ever will. I don’t have the gift of completely ever being content in loss. It just is as it is. Loss – My Loss.